Tales From My Socially Awkward Life: Part 1

I Don’t Fit In and I’m Okay With That

I have never fit in. Ever. I have always been the weird one, the quiet one, the shy one, etc.

I was painfully shy growing up. I’m still shy now, but nowhere near as bad as I used to be. I’m socially awkward. Always have been, always will be. I hate small talk. I’m not good at it. I’d much rather have a deep discussion with someone than participate in polite, surface level chatter.

I’m still quiet. I tend to observe more than participate. Usually it’s because I don’t know how to join a conversation, or I can’t think of anything witty to say. I have some friends who always seem to be “on”. You know what I’m talking about. The people who always have the perfect comeback, the witty retort, the perfect response to any question or statement. I admire those people, but I also find it exhausting. I can’t imagine functioning like that all that time.

I was a very awkward kid, socially and physically.

I’ve had glasses since I was 14 months old. Big, huge, coke bottle glasses. I went to a small Catholic school for K-8 and there were very few kids who had glasses (this was the 80’s, before glasses became more common). In third grade I got a retainer, which I could not handle. I couldn’t stop drooling. It was gross. I also have flat feet. I had to wear heelcups (hard plastic heel inserts that went in your shoes). On top of that, for several years in elementary school, I was only allowed to wear specific shoes. I had approximately two choices. I could wear brown, boring, ugly shoes or saddle shoes. I chose saddle shoes every year. One year I was able to get them in pink and I was so excited. Needless to say, all of these things made me feel like even more of an outsider. Decades later I would find out that all of these things are caused by a genetic connective tissue disorder, but that discovery was years away.

Me in preschool circa 1981/1982. Pre retainer and heel cups, but well into my awkward era (can I call it that if it lasts a lifetime?)

The summer before sophomore year of high school I got contacts. Once I learned how to put them in and take them out I was super excited. However, we realized I had a lazy eye. Kids at the rival school in town would make fun of me. I got surgery to straighten it and all was good for about 15-20 years. The procedure has worn off and my eye once again does it’s own thing. I don’t have usable vision out of that eye, so I have no idea where it is looking. Little kids are scared of me. I’ll share more about my eyes soon. Keep an eye out (pun 100% intended) for that article.

I was a JV cheerleader for one year in high school. I didn’t try out. My mom came home from parent teacher conferences and told me I could join the team. I didn’t find out until decades later that she thought I wanted to join so she asked. While I appreciate the concern and effort from my mom and the coach, at the time that was a pretty embarrassing realization. I wasn’t allowed to play sports or do gym class (more on that in a different article) so joining the team was a big deal. I was so excited but also so embarrassed. Because of my restrictions, I was told I could only be a “bench cheerleader”. I couldn’t do any jumping or standing cheers. One time at an assembly I did the cowbell cheer but I had to stand, not bounce from foot to foot. Oh, did I mention our uniforms were turtlenecks with a sweatshirt over them, and a cheer skirt? I know, you’re super jealous. Anyways, I wasn’t great. Needless to say, when our coach left after that year and 3 college cheerleaders took over, I was one of three people that did not make the team the following year.

Me rocking the totally normal cheerleading outfit of a turtleneck with a sweatshirt over it.

I don’t know how to style my hair or do makeup. I’m not super girly, but I do like to feel feminine. I was most definitely not one of the cool kids, but I was friends with some of them. I never had anyone interested in dating me, let alone a boyfriend. In high school I’d be home on a Friday night doing puzzles while everyone else was out in a field partying or going on dates with their significant others. I didn’t have a real date until freshman year of college.

In college I got a fresh start. No one knew me. I started to figure out who I was. I continued to grow and learn. I graduated, got a corporate job, and lived my best life with my friends. I had a lot of fun, and suddenly fitting in didn’t seem to matter as much.

Eventually I left the corporate world to work in Special Education, moved away from most of my friends to live with my now husband, and tried to find my place in a new community. A month after I turned thirty I got married, had a bunch of kids, and went from a working mom to a work from home mom to a stay at home mom. I’ve done all versions and each has their own challenges and benefits.

We moved to our forever home at the end of 2019 and I very intentionally looked for ways to be part of our new community. I’ve volunteered with several local organizations, including our town paper, social justice groups, food rescue groups, and my town’s sustainable task force. Every activity I chose aligns with at least one of my interests and/or values, so naturally there are people in these groups that I have various things in common with. Most of my closest friends in the area have come from connecting at these various organizations. I feel like I’ve found my place, but I still don’t really fit in and that’s okay.

Throughout my lifetime I have been lucky enough to find wonderful, amazing, quirky, unique, loving, authentic friends. I’m grateful for everyone who has loved me throughout my life. Every single one of my friends, whether I’ve known them my whole life or just met them in the past few years, are amazing humans. I feel so lucky to have so many incredible people in my life. I love having friends with both similar interests and very different interests. It’s so fun to share and learn from them.

The original Hoop Troupe prepping for our first performance. I am kneeling in the front row.

I have realized I don’t want to fit in. I’ve relished being an outsider for a number of years now. Fitting in is boring. Being the same as everyone else is boring. I love all my quirks and oddities. I spend my time on things that I enjoy like hula hooping, doing puzzles, reading, and laying on my roof deck – half in the sun, half in the shade of course. I pull tarot cards, throw axes and knives, sit and stare at the beauty of nature, and delve deep into genealogy research.

I love trying new things and expanding my worldview. Learning is a lifelong journey and I’m here for it.

I have most definitely followed my own path and created a life that is magically unique. Every twist and turn has brought me to where I am today. I hated being different when I was younger, but now I embrace it. I am so, so thankful for this beautiful, wild, exciting life.

What is something unique you love about yourself?